Thursday, August 7, 2008

Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer

To Whomever It Concerns

There's been a terrible oversight. This novel I was sent…uh, yeah, it couldn't possibly be the real Breaking Dawn. See, all this crazy shit happens, and 99% of it is boring, disturbing, and/or implausible. More to the fact, the writing reeks of no editing. It's most distressing. Surely they printed the wrong file—Draft 1 instead of Draft 100, which is the number of times you'd have to take a crack at this particular storyline for it to have a fleeting chance of not, you know, making me long for sweet decapitation.

In light of this, I'm sure you understand why I cannot review it, however negatively, and why I will be demanding a refund.


I do leave those concerned, though: Priceless and accurate.

Also, I have to ask: For those who do agree with me, who do think this book was just ... no no no, what was the creepiest part for you?

To me, it's a tie between the birth scene, Edward asking Jacob to sleep with Bella and produce "puppies", and Edward calling Jacob his "son". *shudder*

Review or no review, this book's an F.


Amee said...

F or not, I can't wait to read this myself. At the very least it will be a good laugh.

anilee said...


I agree with you. (Keep in mind that I only read this because of the spoilers which were just so horrible that it was amazing.)

The birth scene was disgusting. Ick.

And Jacob imprinting on Renesmee (and who thought that was a good name?) was the creepiest. She's Bella's daughter, for crying out loud! And Edward's! Jacob was supposed to go off with Leah. (I'm living in denial about that.)

Oh, and the fact that Nessie's going to be fully grown in seven years. She'll forever then be physically the same age as her parents. Can you imagine a hundred years from now when the younger Cullens go to school and take Nessie along? "Yeah...I'm in my mom's bio and my dad's English class." "You mean they teach?" "No, they're students too." *shivers* It's just wrong.

And Bella even getting pregnant was creepy. And wrong. And having to drink blood. That was nasty.

And yes, Edward asking Jacob to sleep with Bella was just wrong, and the "my son" thing was just...ick. Wrong wrong wrong.

Oh, and major disappointment: the anti-climatic non-battle.

And Mary Sue Bella the Super Vampire was really annoying too.

Really, the only thing about this book that I enjoyed was Book Two because I liked Jacob's anger and sarcasm. Not what happened. Just the voice. And the fact that without the disaster that is this last book in the Twilight series, I'd be missing some very funny Amazon discussions.


Wonderful not-review.

WannabeWriter said...

I'm in the middle of it & I sort of agree.

I caught on to how the writing seemed first-draft material too & I was disappointed, because it seemed like one of those Get-the-Last-Book-Done-Who-Cares-If-It's-Good-It's-Already-A-Bestseller kinds of things. Or maybe it's that the end of a series usually is a disappointment for me because it's just not what I expect, but Breaking Dawn is really going beyond unexpected and into the realm of completely insane. Still, it's entertainment.


Heather said...

I don't agree with you in the whole, but I do agree with 1) the fact that there were definitely some editing issues; 2) all the parts you thought were creepy...yeah, I thought so too. Mostly the part where Edward called Jacob his son. That was particularly disturbing; 3) there were many implausible things that happened in that book. Very implausible.

And, by the way, Stephenie Meyer has already once said that it is IMPOSSIBLE for Edward to concieve children. Or, at least, I'm pretty possible she has, whether it be in one of the books or not.

I did, actually like this as an ending to the series though.

The Compulsive Reader said...

As someone who enjoyed Breaking Dawn, can I share my opinions?

I didn't see Renesmee coming, and I was a bit surprised and a little disappointed because it was a bit weird, but I think it was interesting.

The whole Jacob imprinting on Renesmee thing? That was so obvious, even if I did have a little moment of doubt when he and Leah got a little closer. It just made sense though to entwine their lives together in a weird way.

Because, let's face it, this whole series is about weird, unexplainable connections. It's what Bella and Edward's love is based on. And in Breaking Dawn, they just got a little weirder. Maybe I'm a little more willing to wrap my head around really weird and awkward stuff?

But I do have to disagree about the birth scene...I didn't think it was that gross. What else would you expect of a delivery, I guess?

I don't think it's the greatest book ever, and I still prefer Twilght by far, but it was a good ending to the series (even if the ending was anti-climatic. I so expected someone to die and for there to at least be some gnashing of teeth).

Anonymous said...

Lol, I am not even finished Twilight yet but this "review" amuses me. :3 I wonder what I'll react to it though there is already so many spoilers.

Anonymous said...

I quite enjoyed it on two levels. One, it was interesting enough that I did stay up most of the night reading. Two, it was hilariously insane. Also, I love Jacob so his section was enjoyable.

Re your comment on my stats post--any idea how that compares to anything else? Because I'm quite honestly clueless.

Anonymous said...

I agree with teenbookreview. It did keep me up at night, so there's something there. I saw an interview with Stephenie Meyer saying that she liked the ending, so hopefully she's not too upset by the BD-haters.

Anonymous said...

i personally think that your completely wrong. The writing was excellent, even if there were some mistakes. I mean just look at the wedding scene. It was gorgeous. Yes most of it wasn't believable at all, but there are VAMPIRES in the book, It won't be plausible.

What were you expecting to happen in 800 pages? I think she did a pretty great job and the ending left the series to a nice end.

I expect your opinion, though.

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