Friday, November 21, 2008

I've Really Got Nothing Better To Do

I won't be seeing Twilight the movie for a while (not released here yet) and I don't feel like downloading a bootleg version because let's face it, I've got better things to be doing, like THIS. Still, I'm having a ridiculously fabulous time looking at the online news for it. There's nothing you can't add a small dose of bacterial Twihards to that doesn't become virally funny.

And so I begin my online odyssey for humor fodder. Such is the type of thing I enjoy doing on Friday afternoons. :) This won't be long because I'm in the middle of another vampire book and I want to get back to it, but I just had to share.

A particularly funny starting point over at Film Blather and their review of Twilight:

A little while after Bella (Kristen Stewart) confesses her love to exceptionally
handsome 108-year old (but perpetually 17) vampire Edward Cullen (Harry Potter's
Robert Pattinson), Edward takes her to a cloud break at the top of a mountain.
With a fierce glint in his eye, he growls (I'm paraphrasing), "let me show you
what you've fallen in love with," and steps into the sun. Does his skin start
burning? Does he scream in pain? No, no. He glitters. His skin sparkles. "It's
beautiful," swoons Bella. These aren't vampires. These are fairies.
[Via Do I Dazzle You?]

MSN (whose acronym might, judging by this article, mean My Snark Network) said:

Maybe whatever makes Bella smell so good to Edward has been spritzed onto the
pages of the millions of books that have been sold.
[Again via Do I Dazzle You?]

So... Robert Pattinson apparently crushed under the weight of the mall mob, the 7-year-old Bella-to-be, his sparklepire sinister appearance, and let's not forget his hobo hair, so he overdosed on heroin at 3am on November 20th.

... oh, wait, that's NOT TRUE.

(Honestly, though, these rumor-mill midgets need to get more creative. Would Edward really kill himself with his heroin? Well, maybe. But he sure planned to do it with a lot more style in New Moon.)

But back to the reviews. Jezebel's is probably my favorite:

Worst of all, in Twilight, instead of being killed by the sun, vampires glitter
— and in the film, when Edward showed Bella his skin in direct sunlight, the
guffaws in the audience would not die down. Instead of making his skin look
"like diamonds," the special effects looked more like Gay Pride parade body
shimmer.

That's perfect.

You can keep track of all the reviews and such via Twilight's Rotten Tomato page.

But wait, don't forget the WTF moment of the week: People who haven't read the book are not qualified to like (or dislike) the movie!

Ummm...what?

Okay, I'm getting bored now so I'll keep getting my Twilight updates from Cleolinda and refrain from propagating the movie news for fear I'll get stuck in this never-ending, downward spiral of hilarity.

ETA: OMG REASON #373982 NOT TO SEE THIS:



[Via Cleolinda.]

The people in the audience - haven't they ever heard of Silence is Golden??? That, plus the horribly stilted, slow-moving, and all out sucktastic scene and acrid acting kinda sucks the life out of me.

ETA 2: How rude of me. What did people who watched the movie think?

18 comments:

Amee said...

Omg, the gay pride comment was hilarious! Hahahaha.

I won't be seeing the movie in theaters either because a) too expensive, b) Twilight fans en masse? no thank you, and c) I'll either download a bootleg version or wait and rent it. ;)

Khyrinthia said...

Oh, expect a review from me as well. Muahaha. I may end up taking notes during the movie of good/bad things. (Not really.)

And I saw that like/dislike thing. I was going to post about it but then got distracted by Tyler Oakley videos on youtube. That's like me saying I can't like the TV show Gossip Girl since I haven't read the Gossip Girl books. (Well, I haven't watched or read Gossip Girl, but I need an example.)

Madison said...

I'm loving all this snark. Totally. It's awesome.

I have not seen the movie. I'm sort of not intending to, at least until it comes out on DVD.

Amee said...

Same here, I can't stand hearing other people's reactions to the movie in theaters. It is so annoying. I think it must be what other people feel when experiencing road rage.

AC said...

There was also this, from MSNBC, which made me laugh:

"The fact that Pattinson accentuates almost every line by widening his eyes as much as possible and then not blinking for an uncomfortably long period of time is the stuff of future drinking games."

and

"As would happen with any smart, shy girl who transfers to a new school in the middle of the academic year, the popular kids at her new school immediately embrace Bella."

and

"Twilight has more meaningful glances than an entire season of As the World Turns.”

Valeria said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Steph said...

AC - HAHAHA that is so perfect. Thanks for sharing!

Steph

Madison said...

lol. That clip was way too funny. I mean, seriously. And the audience commentary? I would have been saying, "Oh my god," but as in, "Oh my god, could this get any worse?" Seriously. Thanks for sharing that. :-)

Alea said...

I loved the snarky MSN comment! Can't wait to see some apparent body glitterness! Will be going tomorrow afternoon...

WannabeWriter said...

HAHA. xD I feel rather ashamed of myself for following the crowd - the crowd that'll form a mile-long line to see that movie, that is. -sigh- I'm so bad at "rebelling from the conformity".

Diana Dang said...

Homg! Faeries! ROFL!

I love Do I Dazzle You, some things crack me up. It's a fun site for the Anti.

Ink Mage said...

Hahahahaha! That is perhaps the funniest thing I have ever seen! The audience laughing and "oohing" makes it even better!

Sara said...

I enjoy the snark ... but then, I put so much of it out into the world that I'm just gratified to see I'm not the only one.

I'm set to see TWILIGHT at the Saturday matinee this weekend. I figure that every other girl within two miles will have seen it by then, and I'll enjoy it either a) entirely alone or b) with people who are ashamed that they have read the book.

And I feel the need to point out that there is a special circle of hell for people who giggle at inappropriate times during movies or theatrical productions.

ALEXA YOUNG said...

Okay. I officially don't want any of my books to become movies or TV shows. My worst nightmare, beyond this sort of backlash, is seeing my stuff mocked on THE SOUP ('cause I sure love me some Joel McHale!).

Oh, screw it. Laugh all you want. Call it VELVEETAMIES for all I care. I'll take Stephenie's sales and hype over mine any day. :-O

Taren said...

I actually really liked the movie and I didn't think I would AT ALL. It caught the spirit of what I loved about the first book and none of what made me hang my head in shame from books 2-4. What really struck me was in a lot of reviews I read earlier they kept talking about how the audience kept laughing at things that weren't supposed to be funny, that they were mocking it. My experience, in the packed theater, was that the movie was actually really funny in places (I heart Emmett) and that the audience also laughed in non-funny moments because we were reacting to familiar parts from the book. When Bella's in bio class and Edward is silently freaking out, we laugh not because Rob's performance is funny, but because we know WHY he's freaking out.

I get that it's become fashionable to hate the series and movie lately. Breaking Dawn pretty much ruined it all for me, but if you at least liked the first book at all you'll like the movie. I really enjoyed Rob's performance, the way he chose to play Edward as depressed was a good angle. Everyone else really played their parts well. I was with three friends (it helps to see it with friends so that you have someone to giggle with) and everyone on the screen, from Mike to Jessica to the Cullens we were like hey, they look like the characters.

Oh yeah and their first kiss? Hot as hell. Damn. It more than made up for the fact that Edward's sparkles looked more like scrambled cable.

harmonybookreviews said...

Okay, so I went to see the midnight premiere and I LOVED the movie. You can't go to a movie and expect it to be like the book. It doesn't happen. :)

and lmao about the video, but seriously, EVERYONE in theater was laughing at certain parts because it's FUNNY. Seriously, the movie is hysterical. And no one seemed to have a problem with it.

But, I agree with the sparkle thing. And I posted my detailed thoughts on my blog

ALEXA YOUNG said...

Wow. Thanks for posting this clip. Zzzzz. :-O

Tay-Toe said...

Although I love the book and movie Twilight dearly, I can't help but say that everything said is true and it's frickin hilarious.

H&C,
Tay-Toe

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